The one that never was.

I couldn't believe that my next post is 5 years later. Oh well, that's what working life do to you.
hashtagexcuses.

So as usual, I am here to unload my mental weight that has been weighing my heart down, no gifts for correct guesses but you guessed it right, it is yet another guy. It's the longest duration one yet, roughly 20 months of crush time, 8 months of going to be time and then ongoing 21 months of getting over. Currrently, I just want to pen it down as a memoir with all aspects coming from my POV.

It all started at work 5 years ago, when I was a newbie joining the team you were in. At first I think you didn't left a very good impression to me with all honesty, but who knew karma worked that way. Handsome would not be the word to describe you, but I did fall for your other charms - the humor albeit sometimes very dark and rude if I may add, the wittiness in all situations and unexpected, your sensitiveness to others. I had a feeling you caught on early on, because you adamantly denied my request for a photo before rotation. I had people coming to ask me about it (was I THAT obvious??!!) and I didn't intend to deny it la. But life passed by with rotationS, (yes, noted that S), we went about as a group, dinners, travelling etc and you showed no respond throughout and I thought you weren't interested and didn't press on.  Our friends kept asking if there was any progress, and there was obviously none when we don't even chat personally at that point in time. I didn't know what changed in me, I was never the girl who waited so long without going for it, but I guess I was still easing into my new life in a country across the bridge.

But then life changed, when you took initiative out of the blue. At that time you were going to leave, so we decided to go for one last trip. I went on the trip without much expectation other than to have fun but I came back with a throbbing and confused heart. It was the first time you held my hand, after performing a lame magic which I very lamely believed, and declaring that you only do that to girls you like. That was the longest 30 seconds of my life (other than when I am doing exercise) and I was very stunned because there was no signs of anything and I couldn't even react. Our friend was equally stunned with a look of disbelief. I blame it on the alcohol even though we were having cider and I am 100% sure you were not drunk at all. And then came another problem. We had to share a bed for the night because there's only a double bed available. I agreed knowing that you would not do me wrong but never in my wildest mind imagine you would again hold my wrist to sleep. It was the one thing I regret to have continued to pretend to sleep instead of opening my eyes and asking what you meant. (and trust me, I couldn't believe I could fall a sleep in that situation and neither can everyone i told the story to.) Our trip continued with little moments of happiness - you carrying my bag, the pillow fight you initiated, reminding me to siam the first moments of hot shower etc.

If things would have ended after the trip, I would believe it was just a fling as we were travelling with a couple and had to be together most of the time. But we started talking more privately, and then you decided to accompany me to a play. Anyone would call it a date i believe! It was definitely not your type of play - you doze off a few times throughout and bought a very useless program book. Then you accompanied me to dinner knowing I skip meals on weekends. I was definitely very touched despite my awkwardness (by know everyone would know I am an awkward kid). Our mutual friends were excited beyond words, and kept telling me I was being treated differently compared to others, like how I wasn't bring bullied/made fun of etc. I did of course notice the difference but kept myself rooted by explaining that we are just not that close.

And then rotation came. Our seats were very close and so diagonally situated that every time I turn my head, I did see you there. We naturally talked more in person now, in between patients, lunch time and after work. Things progressed to us waiting for each other to get off work, just so we could take the lift and walked a mere distance of 500m together before we split on our respective ways to go home. My 26th birthday was the best celebrated, it was a simple dinner, but you came back for me after your dental appointment. I was still confused, but elated at the same time to be honest. Finally, maybe there's a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. More gestures followed, small gifts along the way, putting food on my plate, spending more time together.

Then the rumors came. It wasn't hard to notice in all honesty, as we weren't hiding. The biggest hooha was when you took the initiative to ask me out to lunch, just the two of us. I felt like the girlfriend, just sitting there waiting to be served as you queue to buy the famous prawn mee sg style. I asked you to text in the lunch chat group to tell everyone that we were not joining for lunch and immediately I received several text asking if we were having a date. I don't remember if I replied, but I knew I wasn't going to be let off easily. Sure enough, the teasing started then on, and even our senior came to join in the fun. We kept in touch frequently enough for people to come ask me the reason for your sick leave, and you became my number one fan on IG. And as time pass, I was sinking deeper into a quick sand called 'love', and I bluntly ignored some warning signs along the way, thinking it was a merely just a test when you wanted to introduce me to some other guys, so much for keeping myself rooted. Now, at this point in time, most would have thought it would be a happy ending right, I mean, I hope I wasn't delusional to have thought that you might have liked me then. But just like how I didn't predict how the good part would come, neither did I predict the hellish part that came.

It was suppose to be a joyous occasion, our friend's hens party celebration. We still talked, but I noticed something off. I couldn't pin out what and why, for I had not do anything out of the blue. The celebration continued, but my body crashed at the end of the celebration, and so did my heart. For the first time in my life, I got very high on alcohol, became best friends with the toilet bowl and ice bucket, had an injection the next day to stop the unstoppable vomiting and to be diagnosed with alcohol induced gastritis. Yay me not. You did nothing throughout, and I didn't know how to handle this change. I escaped, hoping things would be better with time. I kept looking for the reason but won't confront you. After a month of crying, by chance, I finally knew what happened. I was told that you were confronted by our friend, and denied liking me. My world crashed at that very moment, and I felt empty. They say it was for the better, but was it for me?

Thus started my journey of survival. The clear line in our relationship is nowhere to be seen and I am lost. Who am I to you now? A close friend? A friend or merely just a colleague? I am very thankful with changing seats, but you were still a huge part of my life. I tried to be as natural as I could, when all I want to do was to escape you, so I wouldn't break down there and then. I still have a lot of questions but I didn't have the courage to confront. It was constantly a battle of heart and mind, I was so sure I did become Jekyll and Hyde at some point. I thought I would be able to return to being your friend, but God knows how hard it is for me. We started talking again for the sake of our friend's wedding, but we both knew it wasn't like how it used to be. It will be better as time pass, they say. But did it?

January 2019. The final straw that broke the camel's back. One moment we were fine, and then I was ignored once again. I should have seen it coming, when I was the awkward presence among your friends, and you didn't bother to introduce me. For the first time ever, I regretted. That was the most expensive trip I had been so far, and unexpectedly the saddest. I was there with you, and your friends, an invitation I accepted during the good times, and I have never felt so alone. It was like we didn't know each other at all. Minimal interactions, more distanced than those newly made friends. And if life wasn't hard enough then, I was further beaten down by the news of death of my best friends' dad, 6000km back home. 12 days of sadness in my favorite country with my use-to-be favorite person. Japan would never be the same again.

What followed after for me was a lot of escaping from reality, as I try to save myself over and over again, only to fall back deeper into the whirlpool of emotions. So I traveled a lot, once every 1-2 months and I learnt new things, making myself tired so I won't have the energy to think about you. My new friend insomnia was visiting me way to often for my liking. Life was so blue and gloomy as I focused on the hurt, unable to recall much of the happier moments of that year.

Fast forward to today, it's been a few months since we last met thanks to Covid. I would say I have been better but I won't lie and say I am all well as I still have those bouts of negativity flare ups.You still have the power to make or break my day after all that has happened so there's still room for improvement in fixing this habit of dependency on you. I am not sure how things will be in the future to be honest, but I will always wish the best for you.

Thank you for everything, to the one that never was.

Reflection

As i grow older, i somehow noticed that i did rather stay at home than to go out. 

I did rather spend time talking to my parents in the kitchen rather than being on the net.

I started missing home when i go on trips,

I became more attached to than i ever was. 

Was it because I have finally understood that my parents are getting older?

Was it because I have spent too much time outside that i missed home?

Was it because I have finally found serenity at a place so close to heart?

And i wonder if this change is for the better or the worse. 

新的一年。。

新的一年，
给自己许个愿望，
夜深人静的时候，
就让脑袋随心瞎编，
别两者不合，
即便是不可能的事，
让自己开心就好。

接受现实与理想的差别，
放宽狭窄的心，
让自己开心就好。

I AM LIKE A FOOL.

Few dramatic happening lately. Why oh why cant i be left out from the drama??

I am disappointed,
again and again,
by the same group of people.
but then,
again and again,
I went back to them,
like a fool.

For four years,
I tried hard to fit in.
But I guess at the end of the day,
what's not yours will never be yours.

And as I calm my crying self,
I reminded myself that they were sent into my life,
to teach me a life lesson.

Yes, you may help others,
but they have no responsibility to help you.
You are willing and have done much more for them,
but sometimes they cant and wont even do a simple thing for you.

It's a reminder for the future
that the workplace will have a lot more people like them or worst.

But today, let me cry all I want for having my heart broken.

the joy of observing..

sometimes i like to travel alone.
not that i have no friends but just because i know the joy of travelling alone.
i like to spend time sitting around and observing the passer bys,
of how they communicate with one another,
and of how cute their interaction are.

i see the happiness, the sadness, the bored-ness and the frustrations.
i hear of people complaining of friend's betrayal,
how they lose hope i their loved-ones,
how was their day at work,
and how is their family.

and i am constantly reminded of how despite this place being a cold rough world,
there are still people who are kind enough to make the world a better place.

i miss you.

i miss you
i miss talking to you
i miss having someone to complain to
i miss having someone to share with
i miss seeing you
i miss bumping into you
i miss your smile
i miss your laughter
i miss everything about you
i really miss you.

clinical posting in penang..

1 more week to go.
this time next week, i will be back in my comfy hostel room, preparing for my osce the next day.

from the first day up till now, it is certain that i have learnt a lot of things,
be it clinical handling skills or my soft skills.

The human relationship in workplace is truly a dangerous trap where there is literally no such thing as trust.
betrayal can happen anytime by anyone for any reason, whether is of the reasonable or not.
As the saying goes, "be afraid of the fake friend who hugs you than the enemy in front of you".
it is truly an eye opener and lesson for someone like me with minimal working exposure.

not much knowledge from peads which is a bit disappointing since i was very interested in that field.
but we were lucky to get an experienced clinician who expertise in women's health whom really taught us well. at the very least, we have some experience rather than none. :)

and it may also be here, where i found my calling.
so far, it is getting included in my future planning.
but will i really do it, well, let's see wat is gonna happen in these few years.
till then, let's study hard and smart, get more knowledge for the benefit of my patient.

the important thing now is i work for the satisfaction and smile of my patients.

missing home..

haiz.. i miss home alot nowadays.. mayb esp since i'm sick recently..
i haven really been away that far for so long so i'm kinda not used to it.. haha..
and i do notice i became more and more attached to home as i grew older..
i wasn't as wild as i was and i just plain love to stick my butt at home rotting..
maybe this is wat they call the downside of growing up..

2 weeks more!! let's hang in there!! :)

Just some random late night thoughts..

as of today, i am currently 21 & 7 months of age.
i have crushes but nvr a bf.
i have friends who have an uncountable amount of exes, friends who are engaged, friends who are married and friends who are enjoying motherhood.
and then i have friends who are like me, foreveralone.. haha.. (joking la)

sometimes i do get jelly seeing all those lovely dovey couples on fb, and i wonder if i will be as bad as they are someday.
but seeing my current busy and abnormal lifestyle, life's good being a free bird.
no strings attached to anyone, not having the need to report my daily life to someone and not having to worry about missed calls and unread msgs from someone.
so, enjoy being a free bird and go do things a tied bird can't do. enjoy it until u get tired of it. it is then when one is willing to settle down for good.

because no matter wat, it's actually nicer to have a nest to rest in at the end of the day after a long flight.
a place or a person to spill out ur happiness, ur worries, ur anger and ur sadness and not having to worry if they will betray u or judge u.
one who would really be there for u physically, if not emotionally and support u, telling u everything will be alright soon.

and being a free bird myself, i am still searching for the nest, one who makes me feel at ease and one who makes me willingly let go of the freedom i have.

emotionally tired..

2nd week into clinical posting here..
emotionally tired due to the effort of coping with all the drama happening around..
the unspoken-comparison between several uni students,
the continuous shootings from the therapist on my lack of knowledge
(just because i'm a freaking degree student)
the uselessness feeling in the gym
etc etc etc..

but my head of department gave me some hope and advice in dealing with this matter:
"as a student, u are here to learn and not to rub shoulders. so learn all u can while u are here. "
"ask and seek for your knowledge and you shall be answered."

so i'm currently learning to let go of the negative feeling that's all coped up in my heart these few days.
so looking forward to the weekends!! :)

questions? answers?

i asked the questions tat i wonder.
and even though it wasnt the answer i wanted,
u answered my questions without doubt.

I am not finding for a rich, handsome, very highly educated or hometown-near-to-me guy.

I am finding for someone who despite not having all the above, 

would be able to make me feel completely me,no pretend no lies.

who would be able to love me for me, despite all my uncountable flaws.

who would always be there to listen, despite all the busyness.

who would be able to calm me down, despite all the drama.

however, i am also very realistic.

no matter how much two person love each other,

they still need their own space away from each other.

falling in love doesn't mean 2 person becoming one, 

but rather half of each other, combining into one.

the other half of them, still exists as they themselves.

i wont question your everyday living,

but of course, i hope tat you would tell me a few because i do worry bout u.

i wont expect u to love me over your family,

because i may love mine more too.

i wont expect u to stay up all night talking to me,

because i need to sleep too!

but it would be nice to get a midnight chat now and then.

would it be too much to ask for all this? 

远距离的恋爱问题，
我考虑的，
多到我若再想，
我就会疯掉。

见面问题，
时间问题。
金钱问题，
信心问题，
未来的问题。

确实我在这方面很胆小，

可是心里想了又想，

还是觉得若因为害怕而不去做，
总有一天， 我一定会后悔。

我也有一种妙想天开的想法，
我相信，
如果两个人能一起努力，
远距离，
再累都好，
也应该不会是个问题。

或许很幼稚，
可是这是我所以能坚强的信念。

还有真的，
你若愿意往前走一步，
我会向你走前其他那九百九十九步。

been holding on with a lot of difficulties these days..

i see u on the net,

but i cant talk to u.

just because it's awkward and i dun know how.

i felt suffocated, till the extent i have to stop doing things and take multiple deep breathes.

yes, it is that bad.

my friends scold me as to y did i even choose this period to do such things.

i told them because u somehow have the ability to affect my daily living,

and i needed to put an end to it.

but it was also a bet, to see for your response when i meet u then,

most probably for the last time. 

it's been a week now. 

so far, i have only cried once, 

but for some other things.

i am still learning on how to cry,

yes, i am that much of a coward.

and i am still learning to express my real self more,

and yes, i am that much of a pretender.

i look forward to getting the answers to my questions from u, 

and i look forward to selfishly express myself to u,

so i can look forward to letting go of u,

and look forward to meeting some other ppl. 

but then again, how long will i take?

will i be able to hold on till then? 

我们， 

没有任何一张照片， 

错过的机会， 

或许是个好事， 

让我能记得，

对你最后的印象，

是我最爱的，

你的笑脸。

只是， 

我能记得多久呢?

我们今天无语，
你有点不知所措，
我不懂要如何开口，
所以只有看着彼此，
不停的傻笑。

我克服了,
这多年以来,
心里的恐惧,
可是却以然得不到,
想要的结果。

后诲吗?
嗯，有一点。
可是白米已煮成粥，
将错就错吧!

所以亲爱的自己,
你要多加油哦!

"最近经常抬头仰望天空，
不是为了欣赏天空的美，
而是为了不让眼泪流下来。"

现在我要慢慢找回我自己
一个只属于我自己的自己
或许会用很长的时间
或许会很自私
可是
这会是我爱自己的想法。

the time has finally arrived,
where a decision is to be made,
for one of the most important matter in my life.

and dear self,
whether ur choice is right or wrong,
u have to stay strong,
in order to face the consequences.

but do not be afraid,
because u are allowed to breakdown along the way,
as long as u remember,
to stand back up and carry on.

think carefully and wisely, do not rush.
throw out all the what ifs and just do it.
rationalized it out with ur brain,
but also, listen to the voice deep down in your heart.

for it will lead u there.

problems? solved!

problem 1: hostel

finally gotten my own room.. and what's best is that i got one near to my coursemates and is a single room~~ whee.... haha.. i'm so thankful i couldn't express it.. :)

really, everything happens for a reason.. this experience have taught me to appreciate help from others, to be patient and to keep the faith in God.

problem 2: friendship

i'm not sure whether it's a problem or not (lol) but let's just jot down some thoughts...

i think i may have seen some real personalities of those around me but i dun wanna comment much.
however, i have learnt tat to really survive in the outside world, we must learn not to depend on others too much. and i do mean in all aspects. unless they are ur soulmates like my 5 besties. but really, the lesser u depend, the lesser hurt u will get. :)

problem 3: u

i think i'm at a stage of plateau with relationship stuff. the feeling now is like, ok fine, if i get u, i get u. if i don't, the world doesn't end.

i'm taking a bet, against ur reactions to my promptings.
the dateline is still one month away, so let's give it our all shall we? :)