fighting with myself every night.. to do or not to do... the consequences.. the regret...
i feel like digging my own grave again...
a different person, the same feeling, or maybe worse..

haiz, suan le ba...

nowadays feeling a bit moody. all becoz of a thing called 'love'. it's a troublesome thing really. sometimes i makes u happy, and in another makes u sad. i'm a newbie in this subject, so will u treat me kindly? 

emo... :(

我希望
有一天
我能卸下心防
把恐惧抛掉
带着相机
一个人
去发掘
这异想不到的世界。。。

我是这么的希望着。。

a plan for my future?

i was doing some thinking, since it's the holidays and i am very, extremely and ultimately free..

to me, a boyfriend is something that is beyond my reaching capabilities in which i have no courage to pursue for due to past events that had unfortunately occurred. the scar has heal indeed with time, but the impact changed the way i go for love..

after the incident, i had already engraved in my mind that not getting married isn't that big of a matter nor is not having a boyfriend. yes, ppl worry about stuff like getting old alone etc and my dad always say that life is not complete if u are not married whatsoever but i have a different plan for my future in which i won't die old and alone.

i was thinking of giving birth of a child my own, in the more scientific way if i am tat unlucky to not have a husband. i mean, i like children and i always have a feeling tat i will love my children more than my husband (if i do get married)... haha.. yes, i know i can adopt a child but i always feel that being a real mother, from the process of being pregnant, experiencing the morning sickness, watching how my body changes for a child and the ultimate painful labour is something which really makes u feel like a mother and also which enables u to understand how loved u are when u were born.

but then i started to think about my child's feeling.. how would he be treated without having a father..? will he be bullied? am i being selfish in doing so just because i dun wanna die alone?

i still have no answers to this but i hope tat in time to come, i will have them.

first up, happy new years guys!!! it's currently 07:18 n i can't seem to fall asleep.

because i'm feeling troubled.
i still haven get out from the scarred wound in my heart n i cant take a step forward.
i kept thinking of the wat ifs n i keep back out.
wat if he reject me? hw am i suppose to face him in the future?
would i get scarred like the last time? hey, it took me quite long to recover.
y did love come nw? why din it come earlier?
y was i born a year later etc.
i am not who i am a few weeks back.
shall i give up or shall i continue? will i regret if i let go of u nw?
i am at a loss. can someone pls lead me the way?

really, love is for the brave only. cowards like me, pls give way.

20-12-2012

if the world does end tomoro, the only regret would be me not having a boyfriend before, not being by my family member's side due to the stupid presentation tomoro and not having tang yuan for tong zhi.

but even if the world does end tomoro, i am thankful for my awesome family member's love and support when i'm down and stressed up, my crazy friends who never fail to make me laugh even when i'm about to cry, the good advice, lessons and guidance everyone i met through my current 20 years of life gave me and the you who makes my heart beats a little faster these days.

and if the world does not end tomoro, i pray for a stronger heart which can withstand harsh treatments, a braver me to initiate new foot steps in new areas despite the risks, a happier me who loves and listen to myself more, a good family member who is always there for them, a better friend to those who appreciate me and a good catholic who is closer to God.

and with this post, i welcome 21-12-2012 with a peaceful heart because i know that God is with me even though i'm all alone in my hostel room.

dear heart

dear heart, it wasn't that long that u came back completely to me.. pls try ur best to not leave me so fast would u?? it aint the time to be worrying about it nw.