The one that never was.

I couldn't believe that my next post is 5 years later. Oh well, that's what working life do to you.
hashtagexcuses.

So as usual, I am here to unload my mental weight that has been weighing my heart down, no gifts for correct guesses but you guessed it right, it is yet another guy. It's the longest duration one yet, roughly 20 months of crush time, 8 months of going to be time and then ongoing 21 months of getting over. Currrently, I just want to pen it down as a memoir with all aspects coming from my POV.

It all started at work 5 years ago, when I was a newbie joining the team you were in. At first I think you didn't left a very good impression to me with all honesty, but who knew karma worked that way. Handsome would not be the word to describe you, but I did fall for your other charms - the humor albeit sometimes very dark and rude if I may add, the wittiness in all situations and unexpected, your sensitiveness to others. I had a feeling you caught on early on, because you adamantly denied my request for a photo before rotation. I had people coming to ask me about it (was I THAT obvious??!!) and I didn't intend to deny it la. But life passed by with rotationS, (yes, noted that S), we went about as a group, dinners, travelling etc and you showed no respond throughout and I thought you weren't interested and didn't press on.  Our friends kept asking if there was any progress, and there was obviously none when we don't even chat personally at that point in time. I didn't know what changed in me, I was never the girl who waited so long without going for it, but I guess I was still easing into my new life in a country across the bridge.

But then life changed, when you took initiative out of the blue. At that time you were going to leave, so we decided to go for one last trip. I went on the trip without much expectation other than to have fun but I came back with a throbbing and confused heart. It was the first time you held my hand, after performing a lame magic which I very lamely believed, and declaring that you only do that to girls you like. That was the longest 30 seconds of my life (other than when I am doing exercise) and I was very stunned because there was no signs of anything and I couldn't even react. Our friend was equally stunned with a look of disbelief. I blame it on the alcohol even though we were having cider and I am 100% sure you were not drunk at all. And then came another problem. We had to share a bed for the night because there's only a double bed available. I agreed knowing that you would not do me wrong but never in my wildest mind imagine you would again hold my wrist to sleep. It was the one thing I regret to have continued to pretend to sleep instead of opening my eyes and asking what you meant. (and trust me, I couldn't believe I could fall a sleep in that situation and neither can everyone i told the story to.) Our trip continued with little moments of happiness - you carrying my bag, the pillow fight you initiated, reminding me to siam the first moments of hot shower etc.

If things would have ended after the trip, I would believe it was just a fling as we were travelling with a couple and had to be together most of the time. But we started talking more privately, and then you decided to accompany me to a play. Anyone would call it a date i believe! It was definitely not your type of play - you doze off a few times throughout and bought a very useless program book. Then you accompanied me to dinner knowing I skip meals on weekends. I was definitely very touched despite my awkwardness (by know everyone would know I am an awkward kid). Our mutual friends were excited beyond words, and kept telling me I was being treated differently compared to others, like how I wasn't bring bullied/made fun of etc. I did of course notice the difference but kept myself rooted by explaining that we are just not that close.

And then rotation came. Our seats were very close and so diagonally situated that every time I turn my head, I did see you there. We naturally talked more in person now, in between patients, lunch time and after work. Things progressed to us waiting for each other to get off work, just so we could take the lift and walked a mere distance of 500m together before we split on our respective ways to go home. My 26th birthday was the best celebrated, it was a simple dinner, but you came back for me after your dental appointment. I was still confused, but elated at the same time to be honest. Finally, maybe there's a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. More gestures followed, small gifts along the way, putting food on my plate, spending more time together.

Then the rumors came. It wasn't hard to notice in all honesty, as we weren't hiding. The biggest hooha was when you took the initiative to ask me out to lunch, just the two of us. I felt like the girlfriend, just sitting there waiting to be served as you queue to buy the famous prawn mee sg style. I asked you to text in the lunch chat group to tell everyone that we were not joining for lunch and immediately I received several text asking if we were having a date. I don't remember if I replied, but I knew I wasn't going to be let off easily. Sure enough, the teasing started then on, and even our senior came to join in the fun. We kept in touch frequently enough for people to come ask me the reason for your sick leave, and you became my number one fan on IG. And as time pass, I was sinking deeper into a quick sand called 'love', and I bluntly ignored some warning signs along the way, thinking it was a merely just a test when you wanted to introduce me to some other guys, so much for keeping myself rooted. Now, at this point in time, most would have thought it would be a happy ending right, I mean, I hope I wasn't delusional to have thought that you might have liked me then. But just like how I didn't predict how the good part would come, neither did I predict the hellish part that came.

It was suppose to be a joyous occasion, our friend's hens party celebration. We still talked, but I noticed something off. I couldn't pin out what and why, for I had not do anything out of the blue. The celebration continued, but my body crashed at the end of the celebration, and so did my heart. For the first time in my life, I got very high on alcohol, became best friends with the toilet bowl and ice bucket, had an injection the next day to stop the unstoppable vomiting and to be diagnosed with alcohol induced gastritis. Yay me not. You did nothing throughout, and I didn't know how to handle this change. I escaped, hoping things would be better with time. I kept looking for the reason but won't confront you. After a month of crying, by chance, I finally knew what happened. I was told that you were confronted by our friend, and denied liking me. My world crashed at that very moment, and I felt empty. They say it was for the better, but was it for me?

Thus started my journey of survival. The clear line in our relationship is nowhere to be seen and I am lost. Who am I to you now? A close friend? A friend or merely just a colleague? I am very thankful with changing seats, but you were still a huge part of my life. I tried to be as natural as I could, when all I want to do was to escape you, so I wouldn't break down there and then. I still have a lot of questions but I didn't have the courage to confront. It was constantly a battle of heart and mind, I was so sure I did become Jekyll and Hyde at some point. I thought I would be able to return to being your friend, but God knows how hard it is for me. We started talking again for the sake of our friend's wedding, but we both knew it wasn't like how it used to be. It will be better as time pass, they say. But did it?

January 2019. The final straw that broke the camel's back. One moment we were fine, and then I was ignored once again. I should have seen it coming, when I was the awkward presence among your friends, and you didn't bother to introduce me. For the first time ever, I regretted. That was the most expensive trip I had been so far, and unexpectedly the saddest. I was there with you, and your friends, an invitation I accepted during the good times, and I have never felt so alone. It was like we didn't know each other at all. Minimal interactions, more distanced than those newly made friends. And if life wasn't hard enough then, I was further beaten down by the news of death of my best friends' dad, 6000km back home. 12 days of sadness in my favorite country with my use-to-be favorite person. Japan would never be the same again.

What followed after for me was a lot of escaping from reality, as I try to save myself over and over again, only to fall back deeper into the whirlpool of emotions. So I traveled a lot, once every 1-2 months and I learnt new things, making myself tired so I won't have the energy to think about you. My new friend insomnia was visiting me way to often for my liking. Life was so blue and gloomy as I focused on the hurt, unable to recall much of the happier moments of that year.

Fast forward to today, it's been a few months since we last met thanks to Covid. I would say I have been better but I won't lie and say I am all well as I still have those bouts of negativity flare ups.You still have the power to make or break my day after all that has happened so there's still room for improvement in fixing this habit of dependency on you. I am not sure how things will be in the future to be honest, but I will always wish the best for you.

Thank you for everything, to the one that never was.