clinical posting in penang..

1 more week to go.
this time next week, i will be back in my comfy hostel room, preparing for my osce the next day.

from the first day up till now, it is certain that i have learnt a lot of things,
be it clinical handling skills or my soft skills.

The human relationship in workplace is truly a dangerous trap where there is literally no such thing as trust.
betrayal can happen anytime by anyone for any reason, whether is of the reasonable or not.
As the saying goes, "be afraid of the fake friend who hugs you than the enemy in front of you".
it is truly an eye opener and lesson for someone like me with minimal working exposure.

not much knowledge from peads which is a bit disappointing since i was very interested in that field.
but we were lucky to get an experienced clinician who expertise in women's health whom really taught us well. at the very least, we have some experience rather than none. :)

and it may also be here, where i found my calling.
so far, it is getting included in my future planning.
but will i really do it, well, let's see wat is gonna happen in these few years.
till then, let's study hard and smart, get more knowledge for the benefit of my patient.

the important thing now is i work for the satisfaction and smile of my patients.

missing home..

haiz.. i miss home alot nowadays.. mayb esp since i'm sick recently..
i haven really been away that far for so long so i'm kinda not used to it.. haha..
and i do notice i became more and more attached to home as i grew older..
i wasn't as wild as i was and i just plain love to stick my butt at home rotting..
maybe this is wat they call the downside of growing up..

2 weeks more!! let's hang in there!! :)

Just some random late night thoughts..

as of today, i am currently 21 & 7 months of age.
i have crushes but nvr a bf.
i have friends who have an uncountable amount of exes, friends who are engaged, friends who are married and friends who are enjoying motherhood.
and then i have friends who are like me, foreveralone.. haha.. (joking la)

sometimes i do get jelly seeing all those lovely dovey couples on fb, and i wonder if i will be as bad as they are someday.
but seeing my current busy and abnormal lifestyle, life's good being a free bird.
no strings attached to anyone, not having the need to report my daily life to someone and not having to worry about missed calls and unread msgs from someone.
so, enjoy being a free bird and go do things a tied bird can't do. enjoy it until u get tired of it. it is then when one is willing to settle down for good.

because no matter wat, it's actually nicer to have a nest to rest in at the end of the day after a long flight.
a place or a person to spill out ur happiness, ur worries, ur anger and ur sadness and not having to worry if they will betray u or judge u.
one who would really be there for u physically, if not emotionally and support u, telling u everything will be alright soon.

and being a free bird myself, i am still searching for the nest, one who makes me feel at ease and one who makes me willingly let go of the freedom i have.

emotionally tired..

2nd week into clinical posting here..
emotionally tired due to the effort of coping with all the drama happening around..
the unspoken-comparison between several uni students,
the continuous shootings from the therapist on my lack of knowledge
(just because i'm a freaking degree student)
the uselessness feeling in the gym
etc etc etc..

but my head of department gave me some hope and advice in dealing with this matter:
"as a student, u are here to learn and not to rub shoulders. so learn all u can while u are here. "
"ask and seek for your knowledge and you shall be answered."

so i'm currently learning to let go of the negative feeling that's all coped up in my heart these few days.
so looking forward to the weekends!! :)

questions? answers?

i asked the questions tat i wonder.
and even though it wasnt the answer i wanted,
u answered my questions without doubt.

I am not finding for a rich, handsome, very highly educated or hometown-near-to-me guy.

I am finding for someone who despite not having all the above, 

would be able to make me feel completely me,no pretend no lies.

who would be able to love me for me, despite all my uncountable flaws.

who would always be there to listen, despite all the busyness.

who would be able to calm me down, despite all the drama.

however, i am also very realistic.

no matter how much two person love each other,

they still need their own space away from each other.

falling in love doesn't mean 2 person becoming one, 

but rather half of each other, combining into one.

the other half of them, still exists as they themselves.

i wont question your everyday living,

but of course, i hope tat you would tell me a few because i do worry bout u.

i wont expect u to love me over your family,

because i may love mine more too.

i wont expect u to stay up all night talking to me,

because i need to sleep too!

but it would be nice to get a midnight chat now and then.

would it be too much to ask for all this? 

远距离的恋爱问题，
我考虑的，
多到我若再想，
我就会疯掉。

见面问题，
时间问题。
金钱问题，
信心问题，
未来的问题。

确实我在这方面很胆小，

可是心里想了又想，

还是觉得若因为害怕而不去做，
总有一天， 我一定会后悔。

我也有一种妙想天开的想法，
我相信，
如果两个人能一起努力，
远距离，
再累都好，
也应该不会是个问题。

或许很幼稚，
可是这是我所以能坚强的信念。

还有真的，
你若愿意往前走一步，
我会向你走前其他那九百九十九步。

been holding on with a lot of difficulties these days..

i see u on the net,

but i cant talk to u.

just because it's awkward and i dun know how.

i felt suffocated, till the extent i have to stop doing things and take multiple deep breathes.

yes, it is that bad.

my friends scold me as to y did i even choose this period to do such things.

i told them because u somehow have the ability to affect my daily living,

and i needed to put an end to it.

but it was also a bet, to see for your response when i meet u then,

most probably for the last time. 

it's been a week now. 

so far, i have only cried once, 

but for some other things.

i am still learning on how to cry,

yes, i am that much of a coward.

and i am still learning to express my real self more,

and yes, i am that much of a pretender.

i look forward to getting the answers to my questions from u, 

and i look forward to selfishly express myself to u,

so i can look forward to letting go of u,

and look forward to meeting some other ppl. 

but then again, how long will i take?

will i be able to hold on till then? 

我们， 

没有任何一张照片， 

错过的机会， 

或许是个好事， 

让我能记得，

对你最后的印象，

是我最爱的，

你的笑脸。

只是， 

我能记得多久呢?

我们今天无语，
你有点不知所措，
我不懂要如何开口，
所以只有看着彼此，
不停的傻笑。

我克服了,
这多年以来,
心里的恐惧,
可是却以然得不到,
想要的结果。

后诲吗?
嗯，有一点。
可是白米已煮成粥，
将错就错吧!

所以亲爱的自己,
你要多加油哦!

"最近经常抬头仰望天空，
不是为了欣赏天空的美，
而是为了不让眼泪流下来。"

现在我要慢慢找回我自己
一个只属于我自己的自己
或许会用很长的时间
或许会很自私
可是
这会是我爱自己的想法。

the time has finally arrived,
where a decision is to be made,
for one of the most important matter in my life.

and dear self,
whether ur choice is right or wrong,
u have to stay strong,
in order to face the consequences.

but do not be afraid,
because u are allowed to breakdown along the way,
as long as u remember,
to stand back up and carry on.

think carefully and wisely, do not rush.
throw out all the what ifs and just do it.
rationalized it out with ur brain,
but also, listen to the voice deep down in your heart.

for it will lead u there.

problems? solved!

problem 1: hostel

finally gotten my own room.. and what's best is that i got one near to my coursemates and is a single room~~ whee.... haha.. i'm so thankful i couldn't express it.. :)

really, everything happens for a reason.. this experience have taught me to appreciate help from others, to be patient and to keep the faith in God.

problem 2: friendship

i'm not sure whether it's a problem or not (lol) but let's just jot down some thoughts...

i think i may have seen some real personalities of those around me but i dun wanna comment much.
however, i have learnt tat to really survive in the outside world, we must learn not to depend on others too much. and i do mean in all aspects. unless they are ur soulmates like my 5 besties. but really, the lesser u depend, the lesser hurt u will get. :)

problem 3: u

i think i'm at a stage of plateau with relationship stuff. the feeling now is like, ok fine, if i get u, i get u. if i don't, the world doesn't end.

i'm taking a bet, against ur reactions to my promptings.
the dateline is still one month away, so let's give it our all shall we? :)

an emotional post late at night...

life's been a roller coaster ride these past few weeks.
one second i'm smiling like an idiot and the next, i feel like i drop to hell.
maybe it's the hormones tat are making me a mess (cheh.)
but for once, i'm emotionally imbalance.

i don't know what i want,
i don't know what to do,
i don't know how to move on,
and i don't know how to cry.

i've been motivating myself this whole time,
but i dont know how long more can i hold on.
i'm sick and tired of all the drama around me,
and i just wish i have a place to hide and feel safe.

the smile is getting faker by the day,
even i can't really accept the me now.
maybe i just gotta learn to turn a blind eye on things,
for the sake of my poor heart which has been bearing a lot of emotional stress these days.

they say the loneliest person laugh the loudest
and the weakest person smile the widest.

and i couldn't agree more.

没有感觉。。

有时候，我很希望我是个冷酷，没感觉的人。
在我现在的生活里，不知是自己太感情用事，如此幼稚和依赖人，
还是现在的人，八成是假的。
竟然为了这点小事搞emo，看来自己还不够坚强。
可是， 我很感谢因为这件事而有了你的陪伴。
真的，谢谢你。
我会努力的。：）

emotionally drained..

it's the start of a new semester, but the hostel living environment is giving me a headache.
i'm currently in denial to accept the place so i'm literally running away from reality.
after the cleaning, it did actually started to look more like a place suitable for living, except the toilet.
i think i prefer more of an emotional support to actually live in tat place becoz i'm feeling lonely there.
sure, i know my current housemates, but i dun think we have the right frequency.
if only i actually have a coursemate living at the place, i would not have hesitated to accept it.
because, wat am i to do if they all have classes and i don't.
i dun really like the idea of being alone at that place.
am currently praying for a better situation either way.
also to keep telling myself to have faith in God's decision.
I feel his presence in mass today and i was so overwhelmed i nearly cried.
He was there and he answered my questions again.
although this semester started off on the wrong note, i sincerely pray tat the rest of the semester will sail on smoothly.

it's time..

it's time to stop thinking about the what ifs and just go on with life.

it's been an awesome holiday this time around, thanks to u,
for the constant advices and the unstoppable crap chatting.

i have learnt to manage myself and my feelings better this time,
and i have decided to just go with the flow.
happiness is something u have to grab on to yourself , they say.
but i say, wat is mine, will come back to me eventually.
it's not that i don't want to go for it this time, but i can't.
because i know, u don't want it.
i asked, indirectly.

counting down to the days where i give myself a dateline,
for now on is exactly two months time.
and when that day had passed and nothing works,
then i will let go of my feelings and free myself of u.
so that i can fly again,
to meet the one who wants to stay.
becoz life doesn't stop for anybody,
and it is my duty to live mine to the very best i can.

There was a period when i really hated the sight of red jelly.
Because it brings back unhappy moments during my primary school time.

I remembered always telling my mum to prepare food whenever there is a party in class.
and being a busy mum, she would always make the same thing: red jelly. (now tat i think mayb coz she dun know how to cook other things.. :P)
i used to be proud.
But everytime after the party, my mum's red jelly would still have leftovers while the other food brought by my friends were all finished. and i get very upset everytime there's leftovers wondering what's wrong with my mum's food. (i think there's some showoff thing among the classmates. u know, children.. XD)
So as time passed, i would just tell her not to bring anything and i grew to hate the red jelly (i'm not sure i remember hating mum or not but i pretty well guessed i did.. XD)
I stopped eating them and somehow mum also stopped making them. (whereby i just found out because she can't precisely control the amount of water needed.. LOL!)

A few days back, thanks to my glutton brother's request, mum made some red jelly.

Today, as i taste my mum's red jelly after missing it for a decade, i remembered the younger arrogant me who stopped eating the red jelly just for a funnily idiotic reason.

and i also made a mental note to remember to cook better food for my children in the future so they could show off to their friends! (yikes, gotta start learning how to cook! )

fighting with myself every night.. to do or not to do... the consequences.. the regret...
i feel like digging my own grave again...
a different person, the same feeling, or maybe worse..

haiz, suan le ba...

nowadays feeling a bit moody. all becoz of a thing called 'love'. it's a troublesome thing really. sometimes i makes u happy, and in another makes u sad. i'm a newbie in this subject, so will u treat me kindly? 

emo... :(

我希望
有一天
我能卸下心防
把恐惧抛掉
带着相机
一个人
去发掘
这异想不到的世界。。。

我是这么的希望着。。

a plan for my future?

i was doing some thinking, since it's the holidays and i am very, extremely and ultimately free..

to me, a boyfriend is something that is beyond my reaching capabilities in which i have no courage to pursue for due to past events that had unfortunately occurred. the scar has heal indeed with time, but the impact changed the way i go for love..

after the incident, i had already engraved in my mind that not getting married isn't that big of a matter nor is not having a boyfriend. yes, ppl worry about stuff like getting old alone etc and my dad always say that life is not complete if u are not married whatsoever but i have a different plan for my future in which i won't die old and alone.

i was thinking of giving birth of a child my own, in the more scientific way if i am tat unlucky to not have a husband. i mean, i like children and i always have a feeling tat i will love my children more than my husband (if i do get married)... haha.. yes, i know i can adopt a child but i always feel that being a real mother, from the process of being pregnant, experiencing the morning sickness, watching how my body changes for a child and the ultimate painful labour is something which really makes u feel like a mother and also which enables u to understand how loved u are when u were born.

but then i started to think about my child's feeling.. how would he be treated without having a father..? will he be bullied? am i being selfish in doing so just because i dun wanna die alone?

i still have no answers to this but i hope tat in time to come, i will have them.